Taking back the days

Taking back today

taking back yesterday

taking back tomorrow

taking back myself

finding all the pieces

you left behind

scattered

where

you dropped them

ragged around

the edges

each and every

one

a little broken

Brushing them off

mending the edges

giving them

strength

love

and

attention

feeling them grow

stronger

each and every

day

mending the

empty spaces

healing the

tattered places

becoming

one

becoming

renewed

becoming

me…

You discarded

me in pieces

slowly

so I didn’t

notice

leaving them

where you

grew tired of them…

Thinking

only of what

you needed

I had

no money

no car

no status

I just had me

which you

used up

until

there was

nothing left

but this shadow

and these

pieces I’ve gathered

So today

I

sit

fitting

mending

re-attaching

those pieces

together

this time

I am using

the strong threads

of

love

friendship

beauty

peace

knowledge

wisdom

and contentment

to sew

healthy, strong

seams

that cannot

be so easily

wrenched apart

to be left

broken on the

landscape

of this life…

becoming

one

becoming

renewed

becoming

me…

Breaking down

Long knock-down

drag out

days

of waiting

wondering

what does it all

mean…

Pulled in one

direction

led in another

pushed behind

toppled over…

 

I waited

you gave

me

hope

your words

telling me

it would all

be

worked

out

 

We’ll pull it off

make it work

one foot in

front of the

other

making something

rational

of it all

hang on

hold on

let go

come back

I need

she needs

no time

time’s running out

not enough

plenty left

 

plus me

no comment

back off

check it out

 

together

we’re wonderful

we’re

too

far

apart

 

Come now

wait awhile

first things first

a car

a job

a home

unstable

unable

life’s in flux

just my luck

 

you don’t

call

you

promised

you

would

I know you heard me

ring

I know you did

 

Left me

hanging

waiting

planning

kept it quiet

should have run

had so much to

say

so much to

share

so much to

give

 

They said

He may be

handsome

but he’s

stupid

he

doesn’t know

what

he’s

passing

up

good woman

good mind

big heart

kind soul

 

actions speak

louder than words

and the silence

is deafening…

 

I’ve heard it all before…

Things I learned the hard way

When you don’t take your clothes off the line, it will rain… all night… oh, your dryer will be broken too.

When you have a car with a funky radiator, always carry water

If you use the wrong kitty litter, they will go on the floor until you get the right kind

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it

When you rush out the door, you will forget your coupon and will have to pay full price for that yarn you just can’t live without

The truth will set you free

No matter how many stupid mistakes you make, your true friends will look past them and still love you

Honesty is the best policy

When they replace the copier at work, you will, at least once, make 50 copies of ten page booklets, stapled and hole-punched with nothing on them. And you will do this when the boss walks by.

When you can’t count on yourself, you can count on your friends

The day you wear that heavy sweater to work, the clouds will break and you will have record heat

The one time in five years you mail your rent check from your mail box instead of the post office, it will get stolen

When you can avoid it, it’s best not to make enemies

Always turn on the light before you walk barefoot into the kitchen, especially if you have a slug problem

Sometimes the high road is more painful but it is always the best choice.

Cats will hide hairballs as surprises for you. Usually in the underwear you were too lazy to put away.

When you walk down the driveway and read your mail simultaneously, you will slip on that patch of pine needles that you meant to sweep up…

If you’re going to fall, you will fall in the street or parking lot…and people will not stop to help…unless of course it’s the 95 year-old lady with the cane.

The day you finally get up the guts to wear that expensive blouse, you will spill coffee on it and not just a little, but the whole cup…and it will be in the front where you can’t hide it…and it will be too busy to go home and change

It’s a bad idea to pour laundry soap in the washer when your hands are wet.

If the foaming soap says one pump will do, one pump will do.

Always look to make sure that brownie you are about to eat isn’t moving… ants love brownies.

When you get on an elevator with a cup of coffee with no lid in a correctional facility, they will close the door on you spilling coffee down your shirt. They will apologize but you can hear the rest of the staff laughing in the background. That’s when you remember you are always on camera in a correctional facility…

When you have to go around and collect papers from students, you will see one of them picking their nose right before they hand you their paper…

When your boss asks you to delete every file except the s1 file, you will delete the s1 file.

It's good to laugh at yourself and your situation now and again...it keeps your humanness and your sense of joy through the tough times...

Thanks so much to all my wonderful friends who help me get through... you are all loved...

Valentine’s Day Blues Shawl

Or how I fought off the it’s  Valentine’s Day, I’m all alone again blues…

So, my sweetie was in New York on a business trip and I was all alone on Valentine’s Day this year. I decided that instead of feeling bad I was going to do something new and fun and for myself. Thus was born the following project.

I have never made a shawl before, being intimidated by the triangular shape, lace and many other daunting looking things that make up a shawl. I had been looking for years for just the right pattern to try out and on that February 13th, found the one I wanted to try. It is a simple triangle shape with no lace and no complicated pattern repeats. It’s a shawlette (meaning a small shawl) and I had some yarn I thought would look good in the pattern. I had the needles and so thought what the heck.

The pattern is called Boneyard and I found it here. Looked simple and can be made in pretty much any type of yarn with a simple needle size adjustment.  So, on the evening of February 13, 2010 I cast on the first 5 stitches.

Here was my progress by the end of Valentine’s Day:

I made good progress and it was a good distraction from feeling lonely on that day.

I kept it up, worked on it in my spare time at night after work. I still wasn’t sure what I was really doing with the triangle shape and about two more repeats I figured out I was knitting it top down! Now I got it! It made sense to me at last. The fancy borders that have made me drool but have stopped me cold from trying those lacy shawls are done last!

So I kept going, being encouraged and urged on by my knitting friends and compadres on Plurk. Then Friday I hit a wall of depression. I hadn’t hit this kind of depression in years, the kind where you are afraid to say anything because they may make you go “see someone”. I haven’t felt so alone in a very long time. This is the kind of depression that is robbing me of sleep and the ability to eat. The one person I needed the most was completely out of reach with no way to ask for help and support. This is the kind of depression that I worry about because it is paralyzing.

But sitting on the couch next to me, buried under the box of Kleenex was my knitting. My shawl that I had been diligently working on all week. I really didn’t feel like doing it but I picked it up. Might as well do something other than stare at the TV, the computer screen and weep.

As I began to settle into the rhythm of the needles clicking and the yarn slipping through my fingers, I began to feel a small bit of peace. I felt my breathing slow down and my heart beat become regular. My mind was able to relax and focus on the patterns and colors that were emerging as I knit. I thought about my mother and how it comforted me to see her knit and now knew why. I’m sure she got the same sense of peace that I do. Mom’s birthday is coming up this week and I still miss her so much. Knitting connects me to her, I can feel her hands on my shoulders as I learn new things.

So I threw myself into this shawl and knit until late in the evening. I had one eye on the Olympics and the computer and one eye on the needles. I made significant progress and thought to myself, I can finish this tomorrow if I work on it all day.

Sleep was fitful and I found myself up and checking the phone at 4:50 am. Still no messages. I got up thinking how am I going to get through another day. I was out of coffee so I fed the cat, made some instant and settled down to knit. Finally heard from the sweetie only to hear that I wouldn’t be hearing his voice for awhile longer. I walked up to the store, got some real coffee, bagels and of course, cat food.

Then I sat down with my fresh coffee, and began to knit. I knit through out the morning and got to the point where it was time to bind off. I decided to try something else new and looked up the picot bind off technique. I thought what the heck, and started to bind off using this new technique. Turns out it was easy and by lunch time, I was half way through. I should have counted the final stitches to see how many there actually were.

After lunch I kept going and low and behold, I finished it! I actually felt excited and had to post to my Plurk friends that I finally completed it! Of course, I took pictures and posted those too.

So, the depression is still here and still pretty crippling. Don’t know how I’m going to do work tomorrow, but I suppose I will. One minute at a time as they say.

But the whole point of this is that I have one tool in my basket. My knitting; just some yarn and a couple of sticks. It let me be inside my skin while taking me away to a calmer place. To a place where it didn’t matter what I look like, whether I do or say the right things, whether I am a good person or worth the time. It was just about the work, just about the process of yarning over and slipping the stitches from one needle to the next and watching the yarn turn into something beautiful and useful. It doesn’t matter that at the moment I feel like I am neither…

Technorati Tags: heartsapocolypse,knitting,shawl,depression,mother,despair,broken hearted

A Spark

A friend asked me today if I have been writing lately. I had to say no, I really haven’t and when asked why, had to take a good look at that question.

Why haven’t I been writing? It used to flow from my fingers with ease and not a lot of agony or thought. So what’s happened?

I sit down to write and I feel this presence sitting behind me watching every key stroke. I feel this sense of disapproval looming over me and I feel frozen. I seem to have lost the freedom I felt when the words flowed so easily. I now think about the placement of every word, space, every hard return. Am I spacing things properly, will these words provoke anger or disapproval or worse, will they be ignored…

So there it is… will they be ignored…

When I write, it really is a message from my heart, from deep within me. I don’t know where the words come from but when they do come, know they are truth and not meant for only me. I can’t really explain it any better than that. It’s an intuitive process, not one that I think out ahead of time. I don’t do outlines or make copious notes. Sometimes I write a few words down then they come to me and I know they are meant to be written.

Yet now when I sit down to write, I feel fear. I feel stiff, choked, and muzzled. Am I moving backward in my life? Am I letting something steal my voice again? I fought so hard to get this back and here I am letting it be taken away again… I know this is all personal, ugly stuff and isn’t uplifting or positive but I have to write it.

I just now realized that I have felt that I can’t publicly write anything that doesn’t look on the bright side, that doesn’t get summed up with a sunny disposition, looking for and finding the silver lining. I just now came to the conclusion that this is not real. It is not truth and it is not me. I can’t write freely if I have to worry about what someone thinks about the words. I can’t worry about whether the words be ignored, I just need to write…

Thanks Marjie for the spark, the encouragement and for the reminder of what this really means to me… <3

Meeting Dawn

Standing in that moment

between light and dark

between night and morning

that precipice between

yesterday and today…

 

 

I stand naked

on the edge of the world

head thrown back

arms flung wide

heart beating and open

waiting for light

 

And in that moment

feeling yesterday

slip away

I throw myself

on the wings

of

a new

day

and I soar

made new again

meeting the sun…

 

Weary of the dance

I put on my prettiest smile

my very best shoes

my loveliest dress

smooth it down with my hands

and I move

swaying

dipping

twirling

spinning

flipping

swirling

somersaults

hands in the air

feet off the ground

gliding

bending

a pirouette or two

faster and slower

forward and back

whirling

leaping

flying in circles

only to find

in my very best moment

no one is watching…