Poetry In Motion

Taking back the days

2010-09-29T20:48:00.001-07:00

Taking back today

taking back yesterday

taking back tomorrow

taking back myself

finding all the pieces

you left behind

scattered

where

you dropped them

ragged around

the edges

each and every

one

a little broken

Brushing them off

mending the edges

giving them

strength

love

and

attention

feeling them grow

stronger

each and every

day

mending the

empty spaces

healing the

tattered places

becoming

one

becoming

renewed

becoming

me…

You discarded

me in pieces

slowly

so I didn’t

notice

leaving them

where you

grew tired of them…

Thinking

only of what

you needed

I had

no money

no car

no status

I just had me

which you

used up

until

there was

nothing left

but this shadow

and these

pieces I’ve gathered

So today

sit

fitting

mending

re-attaching

those pieces

together

this time

I am using

the strong threads

love

friendship

beauty

peace

knowledge

wisdom

and contentment

to sew

healthy, strong

seams

that cannot

be so easily

wrenched apart

to be left

broken on the

landscape

of this life…

becoming

one

becoming

renewed

becoming

me…

Breaking down

2010-06-05T20:02:00.001-07:00

Long knock-down

drag out

days

of waiting

wondering

what does it all

mean…

Pulled in one

direction

led in another

pushed behind

toppled over…

I waited

you gave

hope

your words

telling me

it would all

worked

out

We’ll pull it off

make it work

one foot in

front of the

other

making something

rational

of it all

hang on

hold on

let go

come back

I need

she needs

no time

time’s running out

not enough

plenty left

plus me

no comment

back off

check it out

together

we’re wonderful

we’re

too

far

apart

Come now

wait awhile

first things first

a car

a job

a home

unstable

unable

life’s in flux

just my luck

you don’t

call

you

promised

you

would

I know you heard me

ring

I know you did

Left me

hanging

waiting

planning

kept it quiet

should have run

had so much to

say

so much to

give

They said

He may be

handsome

but he’s

stupid

doesn’t know

what

he’s

passing

good woman

good mind

big heart

kind soul

actions speak

louder than words

and the silence

is deafening…

I’ve heard it all before…

Things I learned the hard way

2010-06-01T21:48:00.001-07:00

When you don’t take your clothes off the line, it will rain… all night… oh, your dryer will be broken too.

When you have a car with a funky radiator, always carry water

If you use the wrong kitty litter, they will go on the floor until you get the right kind

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it

When you rush out the door, you will forget your coupon and will have to pay full price for that yarn you just can’t live without

The truth will set you free

No matter how many stupid mistakes you make, your true friends will look past them and still love you

Honesty is the best policy

When they replace the copier at work, you will, at least once, make 50 copies of ten page booklets, stapled and hole-punched with nothing on them. And you will do this when the boss walks by.

When you can’t count on yourself, you can count on your friends

The day you wear that heavy sweater to work, the clouds will break and you will have record heat

The one time in five years you mail your rent check from your mail box instead of the post office, it will get stolen

When you can avoid it, it’s best not to make enemies

Always turn on the light before you walk barefoot into the kitchen, especially if you have a slug problem

Sometimes the high road is more painful but it is always the best choice.

Cats will hide hairballs as surprises for you. Usually in the underwear you were too lazy to put away.

When you walk down the driveway and read your mail simultaneously, you will slip on that patch of pine needles that you meant to sweep up…

If you’re going to fall, you will fall in the street or parking lot…and people will not stop to help…unless of course it’s the 95 year-old lady with the cane.

The day you finally get up the guts to wear that expensive blouse, you will spill coffee on it and not just a little, but the whole cup…and it will be in the front where you can’t hide it…and it will be too busy to go home and change

It’s a bad idea to pour laundry soap in the washer when your hands are wet.

If the foaming soap says one pump will do, one pump will do.

Always look to make sure that brownie you are about to eat isn’t moving… ants love brownies.

When you get on an elevator with a cup of coffee with no lid in a correctional facility, they will close the door on you spilling coffee down your shirt. They will apologize but you can hear the rest of the staff laughing in the background. That’s when you remember you are always on camera in a correctional facility…

When you have to go around and collect papers from students, you will see one of them picking their nose right before they hand you their paper…

When your boss asks you to delete every file except the s1 file, you will delete the s1 file.

It's good to laugh at yourself and your situation now and again...it keeps your humanness and your sense of joy through the tough times...

Thanks so much to all my wonderful friends who help me get through... you are all loved...

Valentine’s Day Blues Shawl

2010-02-21T17:13:00.001-08:00

Or how I fought off the it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m all alone again blues…

So, my sweetie was in New York on a business trip and I was all alone on Valentine’s Day this year. I decided that instead of feeling bad I was going to do something new and fun and for myself. Thus was born the following project.

I have never made a shawl before, being intimidated by the triangular shape, lace and many other daunting looking things that make up a shawl. I had been looking for years for just the right pattern to try out and on that February 13th, found the one I wanted to try. It is a simple triangle shape with no lace and no complicated pattern repeats. It’s a shawlette (meaning a small shawl) and I had some yarn I thought would look good in the pattern. I had the needles and so thought what the heck.

The pattern is called Boneyard and I found it here. Looked simple and can be made in pretty much any type of yarn with a simple needle size adjustment. So, on the evening of February 13, 2010 I cast on the first 5 stitches.

Here was my progress by the end of Valentine’s Day:

I made good progress and it was a good distraction from feeling lonely on that day.

I kept it up, worked on it in my spare time at night after work. I still wasn’t sure what I was really doing with the triangle shape and about two more repeats I figured out I was knitting it top down! Now I got it! It made sense to me at last. The fancy borders that have made me drool but have stopped me cold from trying those lacy shawls are done last!

So I kept going, being encouraged and urged on by my knitting friends and compadres on Plurk. Then Friday I hit a wall of depression. I hadn’t hit this kind of depression in years, the kind where you are afraid to say anything because they may make you go “see someone”. I haven’t felt so alone in a very long time. This is the kind of depression that is robbing me of sleep and the ability to eat. The one person I needed the most was completely out of reach with no way to ask for help and support. This is the kind of depression that I worry about because it is paralyzing.

But sitting on the couch next to me, buried under the box of Kleenex was my knitting. My shawl that I had been diligently working on all week. I really didn’t feel like doing it but I picked it up. Might as well do something other than stare at the TV, the computer screen and weep.

As I began to settle into the rhythm of the needles clicking and the yarn slipping through my fingers, I began to feel a small bit of peace. I felt my breathing slow down and my heart beat become regular. My mind was able to relax and focus on the patterns and colors that were emerging as I knit. I thought about my mother and how it comforted me to see her knit and now knew why. I’m sure she got the same sense of peace that I do. Mom’s birthday is coming up this week and I still miss her so much. Knitting connects me to her, I can feel her hands on my shoulders as I learn new things.

So I threw myself into this shawl and knit until late in the evening. I had one eye on the Olympics and the computer and one eye on the needles. I made significant progress and thought to myself, I can finish this tomorrow if I work on it all day.

Sleep was fitful and I found myself up and checking the phone at 4:50 am. Still no messages. I got up thinking how am I going to get through another day. I was out of coffee so I fed the cat, made some instant and settled down to knit. Finally heard from the sweetie only to hear that I wouldn’t be hearing his voice for awhile longer. I walked up to the store, got some real coffee, bagels and of course, cat food.

Then I sat down with my fresh coffee, and began to knit. I knit through out the morning and got to the point where it was time to bind off. I decided to try something else new and looked up the picot bind off technique. I thought what the heck, and started to bind off using this new technique. Turns out it was easy and by lunch time, I was half way through. I should have counted the final stitches to see how many there actually were.

After lunch I kept going and low and behold, I finished it! I actually felt excited and had to post to my Plurk friends that I finally completed it! Of course, I took pictures and posted those too.

So, the depression is still here and still pretty crippling. Don’t know how I’m going to do work tomorrow, but I suppose I will. One minute at a time as they say.

But the whole point of this is that I have one tool in my basket. My knitting; just some yarn and a couple of sticks. It let me be inside my skin while taking me away to a calmer place. To a place where it didn’t matter what I look like, whether I do or say the right things, whether I am a good person or worth the time. It was just about the work, just about the process of yarning over and slipping the stitches from one needle to the next and watching the yarn turn into something beautiful and useful. It doesn’t matter that at the moment I feel like I am neither…

Technorati Tags: heartsapocolypse,knitting,shawl,depression,mother,despair,broken hearted

A Spark

2010-02-15T20:54:00.001-08:00

A friend asked me today if I have been writing lately. I had to say no, I really haven’t and when asked why, had to take a good look at that question.

Why haven’t I been writing? It used to flow from my fingers with ease and not a lot of agony or thought. So what’s happened?

I sit down to write and I feel this presence sitting behind me watching every key stroke. I feel this sense of disapproval looming over me and I feel frozen. I seem to have lost the freedom I felt when the words flowed so easily. I now think about the placement of every word, space, every hard return. Am I spacing things properly, will these words provoke anger or disapproval or worse, will they be ignored…

So there it is… will they be ignored…

When I write, it really is a message from my heart, from deep within me. I don’t know where the words come from but when they do come, know they are truth and not meant for only me. I can’t really explain it any better than that. It’s an intuitive process, not one that I think out ahead of time. I don’t do outlines or make copious notes. Sometimes I write a few words down then they come to me and I know they are meant to be written.

Yet now when I sit down to write, I feel fear. I feel stiff, choked, and muzzled. Am I moving backward in my life? Am I letting something steal my voice again? I fought so hard to get this back and here I am letting it be taken away again… I know this is all personal, ugly stuff and isn’t uplifting or positive but I have to write it.

I just now realized that I have felt that I can’t publicly write anything that doesn’t look on the bright side, that doesn’t get summed up with a sunny disposition, looking for and finding the silver lining. I just now came to the conclusion that this is not real. It is not truth and it is not me. I can’t write freely if I have to worry about what someone thinks about the words. I can’t worry about whether the words be ignored, I just need to write…

Thanks Marjie for the spark, the encouragement and for the reminder of what this really means to me… <3

Meeting Dawn

2009-12-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

Standing in that moment

between light and dark

between night and morning

that precipice between

yesterday and today…

I stand naked

on the edge of the world

head thrown back

arms flung wide

heart beating and open

waiting for light

And in that moment

feeling yesterday

slip away

I throw myself

on the wings

a new

day

and I soar

made new again

meeting the sun…

Weary of the dance

2009-11-16T18:28:00.001-08:00

I put on my prettiest smile

my very best shoes

my loveliest dress

smooth it down with my hands

and I move

swaying

dipping

twirling

spinning

flipping

swirling

somersaults

hands in the air

feet off the ground

gliding

bending

a pirouette or two

faster and slower

forward and back

whirling

leaping

flying in circles

only to find

in my very best moment

no one is watching…

Reflections…

2009-11-11T17:18:00.001-08:00

I have been collecting these kinds of inspirational sayings and quotes for a while now and thought I’d put them together to share. These are just a few that moved me today…

“The heart that gives, gathers” ~Marianne Moore

“Burn brightly without burning out.” ~Richard Briggs

“Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction” ~Unknown

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying... I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Ann Radmacher

“The best sermons are lived, not preached~ Cowboy Wisdom

“The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the will to try and the fait to believe it's possible.” ~Rich Devos

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

“To love and to be loved is to see the sun from both sides.” ~ David Viscott

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ~ Mother Teresa

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

How is it?

2007-08-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

How is it that from
the moment I laid
eyes on you
I knew
I was home

How is it,
that we are
a continent apart
and yet
you are closer
to me than
anyone else…

How is it
you can
look into my eyes
and know
so much about me
that no one
has ever known
before…

How is it
your voice
makes my day
begin and end
with joy
your touch
stops my thoughts
and makes
my body sing…

How is it
that your heart
is so open
so big
so welcoming
and so warm
that it feels
like home…

How is it
I am so far
from you
when all I want
is to be
near…

Fading

2007-08-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

Stepping back
out of the way
quietly disappearing
from the page

Hanging on
fingers slipping
losing their
grasp
leaving bloody
fingerprints

Feet standing
on heads
foot prints
on faces
in the crush

Pushed against
the wall
lungs gasp
for air
only to find
none

Cries unheard
unnoticed
fade away

Heart breaks
into pieces
shattering
with no sound
floating
down
to settle
beneath the
footsteps
walking
toward
another destination.

New Beginnings

2007-01-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

Cold grey light filters
through the barren
trees
lifelessness permeates where
once stood splendor.

Quite settles over the trees
a breeze blows gently
meandering
through empty
branches swaying in time
with the rhythm of the air.

But underneath
the dry bark
a change is coming.
The tree gathers
strength
preparing
for the coming spring
when life will again
burst forth.
It quietly
waits as
it is watered, fed
silently, patiently
with the sure
knowledge
of it’s future.
A future waiting
in the warmth
of the sun
and the
promise of a
new and sustained life.

I could...

2007-01-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

I could talk to you all day and never run out of things to say…

I could sit with you for hours, silently, holding hands, sometimes looking up into your eyes, sometimes smiling, sometimes stealing a kiss…

I could lay in bed with you in the mornings sharing coffee and the paper and laughing with you about silly things…

I could sit at your feet and listen to you tell stories about your day…

I could rub your back with fragrant oil when it is sore, working out the knots with my hands until they are all gone…

I could make you a breakfast of pancakes or waffles, eggs or French toast or English muffins with real butter and send you off into the world with a kiss…

I could make you a cake on your birthday, your favorite kind and serve it with ice cream and candles…

I could knit you some mittens and a scarf to keep you warm on a cold winters’ day…

I could iron your shirts, crisp and clean, infused with the my perfume so you would think of me all day long…

I could write you love notes and hide them in your pockets or in the car, a surprise to remind you that I love you...

I could fold you into my arms at the end of a long day and tell you that it’s going to be ok…

I could listen to you sing, sweet songs, funny songs or just humming a tune…

I could cradle your head in my lap while we watched TV or a movie in the dark on the couch…

I could tell you every day that you are a man, my man, made for me and no other and I am a woman, your woman, made just for you…

I could walk with you and look at the changing leaves, the falling snow, the spring flowers bursting into bloom, a beautiful summer sunset…

I could hold your hand in mine, tracing the outline of each finger with mine, memorizing the feel of your skin…

I could kiss your face all over, your eyes, your cheeks, your lips, your chin with soft little kisses barely felt…

I could give you a soft place to fall, to rest your weary head, to soothe your troubles away…

I could look into your eyes and say thank you for teaching me what it is to be loved…

Morning

2007-01-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

Crisp, clear air
nips at my nose
as I stand
in the velvet darkness
waiting for the
new day
to bloom.

Arms outstretched
reaching for the
stars
that wink and dance
in the midnight sky
calling to me
come and play…

Expectant silence
envelopes me
as the world
waits,
cats yawn
lazily,
carefree in the darkness
contentment
etched in their
every movement…

Perched on the
breaking of a new
dawn
I reach
higher
to welcome
the sun
in all her glory
as she
peeks
across the mountains
embracing me
warming me
with her touch…

The stars
fade
into the morning
as I greet the
day
grateful
for every moment
given as a gift
like the soft
whisper of a
kiss…

Winter Memories....

2007-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

Expectant faces
bundled in winter hats
hands wrapped in
fuzzy mittens
brightly colored
seen through
the trees…

Laughter
leads the way…

Snow crunching
underfoot
step by step
they make their
way
on the
hunt
for the
perfect tree.

Just so tall
just so wide
just so green…

Douglas fir,
red fir
cedar
which do you chose?

At last
through the clearing
it stands
alone
perfect in its
simple shape
just so tall
just so wide
just so green...

See it filled
with lights
white and twinkling
faces lit up
eyes shining
hands clutching
mugs of hot cocoa.

Marshmallows floating
on chocolate froth
steam rising to tickle noses
giggles of anticipation
waiting
for the coming morning….